Look! Up at the Mall! It’s a Turd, It’s a Pain! – It’s SHOPPING MAN!

Man vs. Mall

Faster than a speeding credit card swipe!

More powerful than 5 Perfume-spraying Bee-hatches!

Able to leap over 10 shoe boxes in a single bound!  IT’s …..shopping man.
Shopping is fun. Unless you are with SHOPPING MAN. 

 

Go Home.

 

Recently on my style segment on the Film Ladd Radio Show, I finally managed to get Ladd out of his Johnny Cash Syndrome black shirt and into something presentable that shows off those amazing Elizabeth Taylor blue eyes. We discussed why it’s really creepy if men shop for women’s lingerie at the mall, and why security should be alerted if Ladd is ever allowed in a mall again. The video and audio of this show will be available sometime before, oh, say, July. 


Ladies, here are my Top Ten Reasons Never to Shop with a Man. Men, these will be followed with a few ways you can learn to shop ..ALONE. Not with us. No. just No. 

1. Shopping Man doesn’t really think it’s “shopping” unless he returns with a month’s worth of steak, onions, garlic and generic black socks that *you* will lose in the dryer within the next 3 days anyway.  

2. Shopping Man would really rather be eating, sleeping, watching sports or having sex, or… all of the above simultaneously, than carrying your shopping bags for you. Shopping Man thinks your fitting room is a perfectly acceptable place to do all of the above.  

3. Shopping Man has interesting ideas of how you should look that are not based on any kind of reality. Why should it be up to him if you look like a nun, a slut, or a slutty nun knocking off the local 7-11 whilst blowing bubbles with bazooka gum?  I don’t think so. Dress for yourself, or dress so your girlfriends can tell you how amazing you look. NOT for Shopping Man.

4. Shopping Man has an annoying habit of asking the shopgirls at Bloomingdales and Anthropologie which aisle the Corona is in. It wasn’t funny the first time, why would it be funny the twenty-third?  Or the seventy-eighth?

5. Shopping Man will eat a bag of artery clogging buttery pretzel nuggets while slurping down a chocolate shake and think you will let him touch you and/or your shopping bags. What good is Shopping Man if he can’t heft your bags around? None to you.  

6. Shopping Man is clueless what the true cost of being high-maintenance for today’s woman really is.  They will proudly whip out a $20 bill when it’s time to pay for the Uggs. *disclaimer* Uggs are Ugly. I bought the cute ones, though. Let Shopping Man live in a pretend retail world. Leave him at home and never…NEVER… EVER …..let him see the Amex bill.  Or the paypal account you use to buy jewelry from my website.

 

7. Shopping Man likes to say “don’t you have one of those already”, which, ladies is by law in several states a slappable offense. Yes, you DO have one of those already. You actually have THREE of those. And your point IS? …Shopping Man? Don’t make me hurt you.  

8. Shopping Man has a crazy notion you give a super hero flying crap about how you look to him. We all dress for women and ourselves anyway so we can tell each other how cute we are all… day… long. The sooner Shopping Man learns that, the better.  

9. Shopping Man is color blind. Shopping Man : “Gee, I liked you better in the blue one.” Shopping Woman: “Honey, that one was red”. Shopping Man: “Oh. That green one, then” . Shopping Woman:  “Honey that one is purple. VERY Purple”. Shopping Man. “Oh”. ”  …Please.  

10. Shopping Man is scared by loud noises and will actually try to TALK  to you in Abercrombie & Fitch to calm himself down. He does not understand that stores crank the music so that women do not have to LISTEN to what men SAAAY.   

Those are the top 10 reasons. There are so very many more. now, on to

WHEN, WHERE  AND HOW TO LET A MAN LOOSE IN A MALL. Without YOU, of course. 

There are three shopping types when it comes to men.

Men, let’s use my very own GPS method to determine which type you are. Why a GPS?  it’s an electronic device that goes in a car. It’s relatively man friendly. Trophy Husband bought one for me. I never used it. Ever. 

GPS SHOPPER TYPE 1. : You use a GPS every time you go somewhere new  

You will NOT be a good solo shopper because you are nervous and you need somebody else to tell you what to do. Take your mother or your sister.  Or enlist a department store personal shopper.  Real fashionistas  have no patience for the likes of you. If you are lucky enough to have a fashionista who loves you, just stay home and let her shop for you. Think of it in terms of guns. You are a  BB gun. Useless. Basically, you are a useless shopper.

GPS SHOPPER TYPE 2. : You sometimes use a GPS every time you go somewhere new

You will be a so-so shopper. You can be trusted to go into small boutique-like shops but please, PLEASE  stay out of major department stores if you are alone. They eat people like you for lunch, and you will be lucky to come out with a shirt that is not neon green. In terms of guns, you are like a pistol. Sometimes you hit sometimes you miss. Usually you miss. You could put an eye out like that. Stay out of the department stores.

note: Carrying a woman’s shopping bags for her IS NOT SHOPPING I call this Pack Mule Syndrome. IT IS NOT SHOPPING.

GPS TYPE #3: you never use a GPS when you are going somewhere new

Love, Love me Do Bracelet

 

CONGRATULATIONS! You are the bestest  shopper EVER because you are the type that always seems to know where you are going and you really don’t need somebody giving you directions, expecially in that annoying british GPS accent. You can be trusted shopping anywhere because you have no shopping anxiety. BEST OF ALL, you can buy gifts for women. WE LOVE GIFTS FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO KNOW HOW TO SHOP. YOU are the AK-47 of Shoppers! You know what you need, and you go in there are kill it. GOOD BOY! Heck, you may even have an extra coupon and give it to the person behind you like I do. Yes, you ARE that awesome. 

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One Comment on “Look! Up at the Mall! It’s a Turd, It’s a Pain! – It’s SHOPPING MAN!”

  1. Fernando Says:

    We, men of my sex, I mean, don’t go shopping and don’t like it, Sueanne dear, because it’s unintelligible rather, is an insult to the intelligence to have fun shopping. We buy things and get it over with. Then we look for civilized things, such as talking to interesting people like you,instead of browsing over useless goods, to do.
    We’re an entrtaining lot I can assure you. Try us on.

    yours trully, Fernando Ferreira


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