Archive for June 2010

Top 10 Things that Make Women Look Old

June 27, 2010

Can wearing the wrong thing actually make you look older than you are? 

The answer, is… darlings, absolutely YES. 
Here are the Top Ten things that make you look old , if you are a woman. Men… You’ll get your turn next. 

1. Visible panty lines

A lined butt is an old looking butt. I don’t care who you are or how your butt looks. 


Insects belong on necklaces, not stuck on your face


2. Bright pink lipstick/heavy makeup

Incredibly outdated. Makes any wrinkles you do have look much worse. Plus small insects can get stuck on your face. Not good. 

3. Using a really old cell phone

Come on. They are called Smart Phones because smart people use them. Smart and not old. 

4. Baggy Clothes

If you can hide a large ham under your blouse, it’s time to downsize. Get something that fits. 

5. Arm candy more than 15 years younger than you.

The rule for dating or marrying a younger man is half your age plus 7. or…3 if you’re a man magnet. I mean… Do you really want to be asked if that’s your grandson?

5. Pantyhose


6. Undereye circles

Nothing will age you more than grey circles under your eyes. Get some concealer, and have a pro match it to your skin tone. 

7. Short hair, Long hair, Grey hair

Depends on your face shape, but usually anything TOO long, TOO short or TOO grey will add years on your face. 

8. Scrunchies in your hair

They should be banned.

9. Leggings

These don’t even look good on great legs…

10. TIE between bike shorts and fanny packs

So 80’s. Unless you are actually on a bike, please don’t wear these. The combination of the two is particularly lethal.

Thanks, dolls! Smooches!

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Man Rings, Muffin Tops, Moobs, and Mayhem

June 16, 2010


Bryan Viper


Once again, here is Style Dude at large, Bryan Viper, with a pithy guest post. 

Over the past week, I’ve considered many topics of discussion about which to write. It was suggested I talk about harem pants. Those are too easy. Yes, it looks like you either didn’t make it to the restroom in time, or you’ve got beautiful birthing hips…for an elephant! I considered writing about men wearing rings. Again, another easy topic. Thumb rings—uh, no. You’re asking for mockery to be thrown in your direction. Pinky rings…you’re not some Mafioso Godfather are you? Leave such things to the cast of Jersey Shore. The only acceptable ring wearing (in my opinion) is a wedding ring, a Super Bowl ring (don’t argue with a line backer), a skull or iron cross ring if you are a true punk or ride a Harley, and maybe a pair of brass knuckles if you’re in the hood. KIDDING!

New! But Don't Wear This if You're a Man.


However, what’s really beyond my understanding is why people continue to wear ill-fitting clothing. You know the type. Some guy with a beer belly wearing a shirt so tight that his man-boobs are pushed up while his belly button sticks out. Adversely, you find a short, toothpick of a guy that’s wearing a 2XL sized shirt that practically swallows him and looks more like a shirtdress. Or that woman walking in front of you on the sidewalk with her bra strap digging into her shoulders by almost an inch and you can count the rolls of fat on her back. The other extreme is dressing like Mary Kate Olsen with clothes so huge you look like a bag lady with a “blobular” shape. Come on people!!

This behavior is a little understandable for those that have gained or lost a significant amount of weight (recently). However, if that weight change happened months ago, get over the old you and embrace the new. Time to go shopping for some new duds. Check your oversized garbage bag style clothing at the door; adversely lose those sausage casings. Wear what FITS! Don’t look at some number on a label. Try it on and look in the mirror. If you can’t see a definite shape, then your clothes are too big. If your clothes look like a garbage bag, then expect to be left on the curb. If you can see every little wrinkle in your flesh, it’s too tight. Muffin tops are awesome…on muffins!

If you need help, there’s plenty out there. In a world of Rachel Zoe’s and other wardrobe stylists, to all the fashion mags and even that sales person at the department store, there are ample resources to find what looks good on you. You don’t need to break the bank either. Great style can be found for any budget, and trust me, wearing something that fits from H&M looks a hell of a lot better than that expensive Gucci number you’re wearing that’s 2 sizes too small. The same holds true if you’re talking about undergarments, outerwear, or just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Take a little pride in your appearance, or run the risk of being our running joke. Or don’t; we’re ready to laugh at your expense.

 Bryan Viper’s  fabulous blog can be read and enjoyed by clicking on the highlighted “fabulous blog” link above. He is a multi-faceted creative force to be reckoned with and please do your best to make him feel at home by following him on Twitter here. Thank you, Bryan!

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The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Fashionistas

June 12, 2010

Habit 1 : Look like a snob, but don’t actually be one.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again-effective fashionistas know no labels. Labels are meaningless, as are prices. Learn to de-snob. You will never remember what you paid for something if you really really love it. Conversely, if it cost you fifty cents at the yard sale, who cares?

Bali Blues with Garnet


Even the Mecca of low-end—Target— actually has famous designers go in and do really low price limited edition collections. It’s excellent marketing for the designer as it makes people think they actually love their customers and generally offers great items. Zac Posen, Jean Paul Gaultier, Anya Hindmarch are a few of the designers who have done this. 

Habit 2 : Always know where the endzone is, and don’t run the wrong way on the field

Don’t go into a store to get a pair of shoes and come out with two suits. Where are the shoes? You needed the shoes. The average U.S. Household spends $1800.00 annually on clothes.  The average woman spends three years of her life shopping. Don’t make it six!  In total 90 trips a year are dedicated to keeping up appearances – 30 to shop for clothes, 15 for shoes, 18 for accessories and 27 for bathroom essentials. Know what you want before you start looking for it. Think of those mall trips as search and destroy missions, not time sucks. 

Habit 3: Exercise is important

To be an effective Fashionista, you need to be able to outrun people, specifically women between the ages of 18 and 55. Please lift weights as those biceps come in handy when you have to lift heavy bags. Hand-eye coordination is also great out at the mall. Practice by killing flies with a flyswatter. Or an old copy of Vogue. 

Habit 4: Returning things is an art form of shopping where you actually make money

Many stores introduce new merchandise in 2 week cycles. Keep your receipts on you. Get a price adjustment if you buy something one week at full price and it gets marked down the next. Buy stuff before the sale and take it back 3 days later and get the sale price. 

Never, ever,  return stuff you have worn, that is oh-so-tacky and is a fashionista NO NO.

Everybody makes shopping mistakes. Fashionistas know when to return something that just doesn’t look good once it gets home. 

Habit 5: Understand that Fashion Magazines and catalogs are either the work of the devil, or a capitalist plot to overthrow your bank account.

Only spend what you can afford. Every effective Fashionista knows that just because you want it doesn’t mean you need it. You know, like Antonio Banderas. Same thing. Only with shoes

Habit 6:  Realize that out of body experiences are for amateurs.

Never base a buying decision on emotion. Nothing will get you into trouble faster than developing emotional attachments to things.  People count. Things don’t. Unless it’s a Tod’s bag at 50% off. 

Habit 7: Bring enough candy for the entire class

When you go out shopping if you have good coupons, always give your extra one to the person behind you. Especially if it’s a long line. You will get to Fashionista heaven more quickly like this.

Top 10 Fashion Faux Pas

June 3, 2010

We see it. We stare. We look away. We stare again. Like looking at a train wreck, these are the top Ten Fashion Faux Pas or “Huge No No No’s” if perhaps you do not speak French. In Russian these would be “Nyet, Nyet, Nyets.”  In Texas, ” Oh, HELL no.” But once again, I digress. 

No-No #1. Trying to look 25 if you are closer to 50

This goes for men as well as women  

Grow up, please.


It’s tacky to wear ripped jeans of any kind past a certain age, especially in the back. I can assure you “Nobody wants to see THAT” applies to this particular fashion fumble. Huge Basketball, hockey or bizarre themed shirts do not look good on men either and look way beyond bad on women. I don’t care if you are on your way to the big game, at least get a shirt that fits you. Note: Your shirts, dresses, and pants should not be shiny or oh- so-sparkly past the age of 12 unless it’s evening wear. Men should never wear baseball hats in restaurants. No, I really don’t care if you’re having a bad hair day. It’s okay for women because we have more hair to deal with. But I never do. Women past a certain age or body type should not wear short skirts or short shorts. They get vein situations, baggy knee situations and it just looks weird. Please dress appropriately for your age, people. There is so much more I can say about this. I’ll do a separate post soon. : )

By the way, Don’t count on your frenemies to tell you look ridiculous, because they won’t! That’s why I’m here. 

Nyet-Nyet #2. Too short, too long, too tight too big

Let’s talk about what I like to call “muffin-top fashionista physics.” Those pants? don’t actually fit you if you have fat flopping over them. Get the right size. If you are thick around the middle and have small hips, buy the bigger waisted pants and have the rear end taken in. 

Bra-fat. That’s what happens when your bra is ill-fitting in the back and your shirt is too tight. This is not attractive here or any foreign nation that I’m aware of. Just don’t do it. 

By the way, I covered these faux pas recently during my Fashionista segment on the fabulous Film Ladd Radio Show. 

Below is the video and audio for that show. I come on during the last hour or so. 

Oh, Hell No #3. bad color


Liz Lemon Earrings


As I have stated before, the colors you wear can truly change the way you look and are perceived. Those dark circles under your eyes may be more pronounced if you wear black, grey, olive green. I actually plan to write a book about color for those of you who just don’t understand it, because it’s fascinating to me, and I work with it everyday when I make the jewelry.  I for one, look terrible in every shade of yellow except a very pale butter yellow. Even then, I need a tan to pull that one off . I’m sure you have looked at the mirror  while trying something on and basically said Bleck!! That’s a color you shouldn’t wear. You can almost never go wrong wearing the color that is closest to your eye color, and usually, that color is your VERY BEST color to wear. If you are wearing neon and stopping traffic perhaps it’s best to wait .

No-No #4. Holes Holes and more Holes. 

If moths have taken a liking to you favorite sweater, please get it repaired using the handy dandy extra yarn that came attached to your sweater which you should be storing in a container along with all those extra buttons that come with your clothing. Or… throw it out. 

Nyet-Nyet #5.  Outdoing the bride at a wedding

It is bad form to ever wear white at a wedding, and generally speaking, not cool to wear black unless it’s an evening wedding. Wearing red is also usually considered tart-ish. Brides are looking over-the-top sexy these days, so do not attempt to out-cleavage the bride on her special day, please. If you are going to the wedding of an older couple, do cover up a bit as slutty does not work here anymore.

No-No #6. Underdressing for your party

Always dress up a little bit if you are having a party. Why do you think they call it the Hostess with the Mostest? Because you look like you’ve been working out in the garden all day? NOOO! Look good. Try to wear one fabulous piece, be it jewelry or a fun shirt. 

Oh, Hell No #7. Too much jewelry, or “gasp” no jewelry

If you sound like the ghost of Christmas past, get a clue, you are wearing too much jewelry. Take one piece off. And for crying out loud, I’m a jewelry designer. Wear some. 

Nyet-Nyet #8. swimwear too big/small

Is there anything more hideous than having to shop for swimwear? No. That’s why I froze my butt off in March and made a video all about it. Just remember, if you want an honest opinion of how that suit looks on you, ask a kid. Kids will always tell you the truth.

Oh, Hell No #9. See through clothes

No, gentlemen, we don’t want to see what you have going on under that mesh shirt. It’s tacky. And ladies, please wear flesh colored undies under white things. Nobody. Wants. To. See. That.

No-No #10. Crazy Shoes

If they are weird just don’t wear them. See Bryan’s article from Memorial Day for  more ghastly footwear factoids.

That is all. Dress Safe out there.

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