Shoe-Bee Shoe-Bee DON’T

 

Bryan Viper, Style Dude at Large

 

I am pleased to introduce a male point of view to my blog, because quite frankly the men who read my blog have been begging me for it and I’ll do anything to shut them up. HA. 

Introducing Bryan Viper, and yes, that is his real name. He is a fellow New Yorker and if you listen to him, as you do to me, you stand to save yourself from endless style faux pas. His own fabulous blog can be read and enjoyed by clicking on the highlighted “fabulous blog” link above. He is a multi-faceted creative force to be reckoned with and please do your best to make him feel at home by following him on Twitter here. Thank you, Bryan! 

Summer Footwear Flops.

 

Happy Memorial Day

 

I get it. Memorial Day weekend, that wonderful holiday that we all celebrate each year though most of you don’t realize it is supposed to be a day of remembrance for those who fought and died protecting our freedoms. I’m thankful for them and others, as it has shifted to be a more general day for remembering anyone who has died. I guess for most, it’s really the kick-off to summer and this naturally demands party settings and grilled something or other. Grab your favorite drink & sit back for a minute while I jump on a soapbox for a minute or four.

Summer footwear in an urban setting is the topic. Admittedly, I’m not a “foot” guy, not even close. That’s one fetish I never cultivated, and quite frankly, I think all feet are pretty gross. My loss, maybe, but as they say, “to each his own.” That’s not to say that I can’t appreciate footwear. Hell, I even understand the foot fetish, so I can be somewhat empathetic to the cause. Do what you want, but I might have a thing or two to say about it. Summer brings the ugly out in footwear and these are my worst offenders.

Flip-flops.

 

photo by: Bryan Viper

 

Sounds like a dirty word with its smarmy hyphenated self. When the mercury rises, they rear their flippity floppity faces on men and women alike. Answer me this: what the hell are you thinking wearing these things in white? Your feet are as dirty as a pig’s and it shows in stark contrast to your [now] much duller white. For all the ladies who like to look nice, then what are you thinking? The guys? Are you kidding me? Dude, you’ve either been brainwashed or you’re just lacking any taste. In my mind, you might as well be one of those Capuchin monkeys all dressed up inappropriately, begging for peanuts and change.

Toe shoes.

Have you seen these things? In the last month, I’ve seen a few pair pounding the pavement and they look so odd. I understand the science behind them, but damn—that’s some funny looking stuff when you see someone on the sidewalk wearing them. They’re called FiveFingers, which is weird. They’re toes. Did someone get his or her phalanges mixed up? Go climb something, do yoga or all of their other suggested uses, but putting mileage on the sidewalks just looks ridiculous and who needs to feel the sidewalk better anyway? Don’t tell me you really want to know how that dried pigeon crap feels on your toes. I laugh a little each time I see them, and I always enjoy public entertainment when I can laugh at your expense.

Crocs.

I can’t even begin to comment. They look great on pre-schoolers. By kindergarten though, please leave them on the playground and step up to big girl or boy shoes. Please don’t tell me that you wear them too. Next—Birkenstocks. Step away from your patchouli stash, tell me that you’ve bathed at least once this week and you do more with your time than hugging trees. All I’m sayin’!

This is New York City. I understand you want comfort, but aren’t the so-called “beautiful people” supposed to “step up their game” in this town? Can’t you try to make the landscape a little better looking by not running around with your Flintstone feet? Don’t think adding socks or hosiery of any type will help these products either. I’ve seen that mess and still laugh about it. Ladies, wear a nice sandal and keep up your manicure. Guys, if you gotta wear something more open for summer, take care of your gnarled claws. No one wants to get sick looking at your nasty stuff; better yet, just wear shoes.

As I often say, “Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should.” Think about that before walking out your door next time. This is only my opinion and it’s not meant to offend, but if the ugly shoe fits…

Why we love “Sex”

 

May 27th. And put on a slip. Gawd.

 

As I walked by this twelve story painted advertisement on Park Avenue in Manhattan yesterday a few thoughts occurred to me. What did I drink before Sex and the City with it’s frothy cosmopolitans existed? Wait a minute. Did I even …drink ? Did I ask myself random questions about love, life, men? Did I even think I didn’t…already know everything? Did I go to diners and cackle about random crap with my girlfriends? Did I even …eat? Was my closet a huge billowing mass of fashionista heaven? Did I even…shop?

Sex and the City 2, the movie, is coming out in a few days. 

I love Sex and the City and here’s why.

It’s well written. Whaaaat? you say? It’s not about the shoes? The sex? The hot men? How boring.

No, darlings. It’s not about the shoes, or the fashion. Or even the actual sex. Although all of that has been “good for me”. Those aspects of the series and movie are interesting in an over-the-top kind of way, but for me the allure of the show has always been the way the characters have been shaped and the hilarious things they say. I am a combination of all of those crazy women rolled into one. I think we all are. And I’m a sucker for one liners. 

Here are a few of my favorites. I could pick out fifty. But I won’t be drinking that much coffee today. Nobody should: 

 “I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.”

“I’m thinking balls are to men what purses are to women. It’s just a little bag, but we feel naked in public without it.”

“When Charlotte really liked somebody she said their whole name. It helped her picture their future monogrammed towels.

 “Oh my God, she’s fashion road-kill!”

“Are we simply romantically challenged, or are we sluts?”

Haven’t we all thought these things at some time or another? 

The reality is there are so many poorly written TV show and movies out there that when one comes along that actually has good writing, I’m all over it. Writers don’t get enough credit for the work they do, it’s always the actors.

No, I won’t see it the first night it comes out. I’m not that kind of an addict. Lines and crowded theaters don’t appeal to me. But I will definitely see it within the first week.

If I don’t everybody will tell me the whole story and ruin it for me. When we’re at the diner, eating heart attacks on a plate. And downing cosmos at 12:01.

Look! Up at the Mall! It’s a Turd, It’s a Pain! – It’s SHOPPING MAN!

Man vs. Mall

Faster than a speeding credit card swipe!

More powerful than 5 Perfume-spraying Bee-hatches!

Able to leap over 10 shoe boxes in a single bound!  IT’s …..shopping man.
Shopping is fun. Unless you are with SHOPPING MAN. 

 

Go Home.

 

Recently on my style segment on the Film Ladd Radio Show, I finally managed to get Ladd out of his Johnny Cash Syndrome black shirt and into something presentable that shows off those amazing Elizabeth Taylor blue eyes. We discussed why it’s really creepy if men shop for women’s lingerie at the mall, and why security should be alerted if Ladd is ever allowed in a mall again. The video and audio of this show will be available sometime before, oh, say, July. 

Ladies, here are my Top Ten Reasons Never to Shop with a Man. Men, these will be followed with a few ways you can learn to shop ..ALONE. Not with us. No. just No. 

1. Shopping Man doesn’t really think it’s “shopping” unless he returns with a month’s worth of steak, onions, garlic and generic black socks that *you* will lose in the dryer within the next 3 days anyway.  

2. Shopping Man would really rather be eating, sleeping, watching sports or having sex, or… all of the above simultaneously, than carrying your shopping bags for you. Shopping Man thinks your fitting room is a perfectly acceptable place to do all of the above.  

3. Shopping Man has interesting ideas of how you should look that are not based on any kind of reality. Why should it be up to him if you look like a nun, a slut, or a slutty nun knocking off the local 7-11 whilst blowing bubbles with bazooka gum?  I don’t think so. Dress for yourself, or dress so your girlfriends can tell you how amazing you look. NOT for Shopping Man.

4. Shopping Man has an annoying habit of asking the shopgirls at Bloomingdales and Anthropologie which aisle the Corona is in. It wasn’t funny the first time, why would it be funny the twenty-third?  Or the seventy-eighth?

5. Shopping Man will eat a bag of artery clogging buttery pretzel nuggets while slurping down a chocolate shake and think you will let him touch you and/or your shopping bags. What good is Shopping Man if he can’t heft your bags around? None to you.  

6. Shopping Man is clueless what the true cost of being high-maintenance for today’s woman really is.  They will proudly whip out a $20 bill when it’s time to pay for the Uggs. *disclaimer* Uggs are Ugly. I bought the cute ones, though. Let Shopping Man live in a pretend retail world. Leave him at home and never…NEVER… EVER …..let him see the Amex bill.  Or the paypal account you use to buy jewelry from my website.

 

7. Shopping Man likes to say “don’t you have one of those already”, which, ladies is by law in several states a slappable offense. Yes, you DO have one of those already. You actually have THREE of those. And your point IS? …Shopping Man? Don’t make me hurt you.  

8. Shopping Man has a crazy notion you give a super hero flying crap about how you look to him. We all dress for women and ourselves anyway so we can tell each other how cute we are all… day… long. The sooner Shopping Man learns that, the better.  

9. Shopping Man is color blind. Shopping Man : “Gee, I liked you better in the blue one.” Shopping Woman: “Honey, that one was red”. Shopping Man: “Oh. That green one, then” . Shopping Woman:  “Honey that one is purple. VERY Purple”. Shopping Man. “Oh”. ”  …Please.  

10. Shopping Man is scared by loud noises and will actually try to TALK  to you in Abercrombie & Fitch to calm himself down. He does not understand that stores crank the music so that women do not have to LISTEN to what men SAAAY.   

Those are the top 10 reasons. There are so very many more. now, on to

WHEN, WHERE  AND HOW TO LET A MAN LOOSE IN A MALL. Without YOU, of course. 

There are three shopping types when it comes to men.

Men, let’s use my very own GPS method to determine which type you are. Why a GPS?  it’s an electronic device that goes in a car. It’s relatively man friendly. Trophy Husband bought one for me. I never used it. Ever. 

GPS SHOPPER TYPE 1. : You use a GPS every time you go somewhere new  

You will NOT be a good solo shopper because you are nervous and you need somebody else to tell you what to do. Take your mother or your sister.  Or enlist a department store personal shopper.  Real fashionistas  have no patience for the likes of you. If you are lucky enough to have a fashionista who loves you, just stay home and let her shop for you. Think of it in terms of guns. You are a  BB gun. Useless. Basically, you are a useless shopper.

GPS SHOPPER TYPE 2. : You sometimes use a GPS every time you go somewhere new

You will be a so-so shopper. You can be trusted to go into small boutique-like shops but please, PLEASE  stay out of major department stores if you are alone. They eat people like you for lunch, and you will be lucky to come out with a shirt that is not neon green. In terms of guns, you are like a pistol. Sometimes you hit sometimes you miss. Usually you miss. You could put an eye out like that. Stay out of the department stores.

note: Carrying a woman’s shopping bags for her IS NOT SHOPPING I call this Pack Mule Syndrome. IT IS NOT SHOPPING.

GPS TYPE #3: you never use a GPS when you are going somewhere new

Love, Love me Do Bracelet

 

CONGRATULATIONS! You are the bestest  shopper EVER because you are the type that always seems to know where you are going and you really don’t need somebody giving you directions, expecially in that annoying british GPS accent. You can be trusted shopping anywhere because you have no shopping anxiety. BEST OF ALL, you can buy gifts for women. WE LOVE GIFTS FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO KNOW HOW TO SHOP. YOU are the AK-47 of Shoppers! You know what you need, and you go in there are kill it. GOOD BOY! Heck, you may even have an extra coupon and give it to the person behind you like I do. Yes, you ARE that awesome. 

New Jewelry Contest, Peeps!!

Hey everybody? Wanna win some jewelry? Watch this and OBEY the commands below the video. Yes. Yes. You will. 

Next week, Wednesday May 19th 3-5 EST!! : WIN a $50  gift certificate for custom jewelry from ME- FilmLadd Fashionista Guru Sueanne Shirzay! Be in the chat room as a registered user of the FilmLadd website when I am spewing my invaluable advice, and you can win! But ONLY if there are 50 people in the room… THAT’s RIGHT, NOT 49…. 50! …so you’d better get your friends to sign up too! CLICK HERE TO REGISTER 

The topic next week will be: Does this make me look…. OLD? 

AND GOOOOD LUCK. 

Register now and be there, or be square!

Cool Spring STUFF

 

Easy Breezy Beautiful Necklace

 

Spa-RINNG  has finally arrived on Long Island, and I’m back to my cherished beach runs/walks/limps and scheduling a few outdoor appearances, “Because that’s what we do in New York” .

It was a particularly bad winter weatherwise here. How can you tell? The first clue is I barely even used my gym membership and opted instead to use the treadmill in my basement. I know what you’re thinking…B..O..R..I..N..G , but no, since I can talk on the phone, tweet, and check my email, Facebook and listen to music on my iPhone, it’s really not so bad. Plus, let’s face it, I am easily amused. And I don’t have to listen to the guy coughing like he’s about ready to lose a lung on the machine next to me like at the Gym. A girl has standards. Geez. 

Mommy and Me Bags. "How cute are THESE?!"

 

The second clue is that I really made a ton of jewelry, for you guys, much of which is on my website. I will be selling out of  my usual stores in Long Island (actually will be adding more stores shortly) and, just for fun, in person in beautiful Long Beach NY at this event one Sunday out of each month. The first date is May 23. I love to meet my customers in person, and answer that all important question Does this look good on me? – so please come down for a great day at the beach, and wonderful artwork of all kinds.

The third and last clue is that after giving my credit a card a breather, I am now taking it out of deep freeze and picking up a few must-have items. I just had a custom tote made by Antique Basket Lady in a cute Parisian print, and I’ll show it to you once it arrives. She is the mastermind behind these adorable Mommy and Me bags pictured.

Amitie Cards By Garden 22 Design

 

Spring is also a great time to start new projects and I’m pleased to announce I will be spewing style tips in yet another venue, Le Herald de Paris. Le Herald is an international publication, and I’d be lying like a dog if I said I was any less than giddy at this prospect. Yes, giddy is really the only word to describe how I feel about this. : ) Giddy, Giddy Giddy. I am currently talking with the publisher, Jes Alexander, who, by the way, just published a great book, The Holly Brown Chronicles, which is getting great reviews, to figure out when this advice spewing will commence. Speaking of Paris, how cool are these handstamped cards by Garden 22 Designs, eh? C’est Vrai? OUI!

Elaine Earrings

 

As far as jewelry goes, you’ll be happy to hear I am using some really pretty new stones and metal findings now and am more inspired than ever. Here is a pair of earrings I am particularly happy with. It’s always fun when you make something that you feel really “nails” what your own personal style is, and these earrings definitely do that for me.

And, in case you haven’t caught it, I am the resident fashionista on The Film Ladd Radio show each and every Wednesday at about 4:15 EST. I’m having lots of fun chatting with Ladd about a wide variety of style related conundrums and I will have files from those shows available to download in the near future. There is a chatroom associated with the show while it is ongoing that’s really hilarious, by the way. Stop in and ask me questions!

I Am a Man-Magnet. And So Can You.

Recently I have discovered that I am now a certifiable man magnet. What? You didn’t get the Memo?

Here’s how it’s done, Ladies:          

I have hairspray. And I WILL use it.

 

1. Look like crap when you wake up, and, if possible, when you go to bed. A true man magnet’s superhuman magnetic powers have to be recharged between 12 and 6 
2. Make sure your significant other is a chick magnet, so he gets a little bit less ticked off when he finally realizes that he wound up with a man magnet. Don’t worry. He’ll be way too busy deflecting chicks to care.
3. Sell something men are constitutionally obligated to buy for women, so you can continually have an valid excuse to boss them around. 
4. Brush your teeth, even as much as twice a day if you have to. Don’t overfloss, as this will mean you’ll have to purchase a stun gun.

5. Get a sense of humor. That’s that thing that makes you realize that just about everything is funny if you think about it long enough. If you are too busy to think about it long enough, as many man magnets are, make somebody else do it for you.

6. Erase the word “yes” from your vocabulary. Say “no”. Say it alot. Say it even when you mean yes, or maybe. At least 20 times a day. Before Noon. 

7. Don’t laugh at a man’s joke unless it’s actually funny, and if it’s not funny… Tell him “THAT’S NOT FUNNY.”

8. Get some self respect. They sell it at the Mall. Yeah. The kiosk right next to the socks. That’s it. Get summa that.

9. Have tons of girlfriends. Men must know that your girlfriends are more important to you than they are. The more girlfriends you have the more magnetic you will be. The ones that have already asked about their husband, boyfriend, brother, son, and landscaper already know you are a man magnet. The rest will figure it out eventually.

10. Be successful. Find out what you’re good at and do THAT thing instead of the that other thing you suck at. And of course, wear my jewelry.